Ramblings

True Stories from School

*Looking at a standard classroom globe of the earth, a student asked, "Do we live on the inside, or the outside, of that globe?"

*Looking at a pull-down wall map of the entire earth, a student asked, "When are we going to study the countries on the other side of the world?"

*While completing a 1040-EZ Income Tax form as an exercise in class, the directions stated, "Subtract Line 3 from Line 2".  So, the student answered, "1".

*When asked to write down the most important current event over the past week, a week which included Pope John Paul's historic stop in Denver, the student submitted, "the Poop's visit".

*When asked what he wanted to do when he got out of school, a student answered, "I'm going to join the marines, but first I have to go to boob camp."

*While working at the Kansas State School for the Blind as a recreation leader, I remember a strapping, little six-year-old boy by the name of Lamar, who was totally blind from birth. As I entered his dormitory, his houseparent called out that John was here for recreation time. Lamar came bounding out of his room at the far end of the hall, and excitedly ran up the hall. Unfortunately, someone had left a door ajar about halfway up the hall. Lamar ran smack into the end of the door, and was knocked flat on his back.

The houseparent and I took off running to his aid, and when we reached the spot where he lay, I exclaimed, "Lamar, Lamar, are you all right?"

Lamar jumped to feet and proclaimed, "Yep!-- still blind." And he ran off to join the others for recreation time.

*And you wonder where they get it from...

A mother once showed up to a meeting with several school officials, including myself, to discuss her daughter's troubles in school, wearing a t-shirt with the following message across it: " 0 to BITCH in 2.4 seconds "

*More than I'd like to know... I once called a parent to find out why her daughter hadn't been in school recently, to which she rasped, "Well, she's had the CRAPS real bad lately."

*Another time I called a parent whose son hadn't been in school for several days, to ask why. The mother replied, "You know I haven't seen him in a couple of days either. Do you know where he is?"

*[Heard over the loudspeaker:]  "Anyone whose phone is not working, please call the main office."

*[Heard over the loudspeaker:] "(Directed at our janitor, Garren) "Garren, please report to the women's restroom #4 for a leak." (About 15 seconds later, we hear): "Garren, that is to FIX a leak."

*Teaching is like working with horses: it's more about being a "handler", than being a "shoveler".

*At "Back-To-School" night, a group of parents of an algebra class was asked to share something about their children with the teacher. The teacher passed out some paper and got back more than she had bargained for, when one parent wrote: "Tiffani is our blessing! Her brother is 18 years older than she is and I was scheduled for a hysterectomy when she was conceived. Loves your class..."

Things I Wish People Would Stop Saying

"Anal" -- anytime someone cleans off their desk, or throws out a month-old carton of milk

"Brain Fart" -- which has replaced the previously annoying "spaced out"

"There will be a test" -- after everyone just went around the room and themselves

When calling a business, "Please listen carefully, as our menu items have changed." -- what?!, like 15 years ago they may have changed.   And even if they did, I would still listen with the same amount of attentiveness.  Shut up, and let me talk to someone now!

Note to sportscasters:  a simple mathematical coincidence is not "ironic".  I recently heard one ask, "How ironic is it that on the 50th anniversary of this tournament the score is tied at halftime 50 to 50?"  Answer: it's not ironic, at all.

Health and Living

*A headache is all in your head.

*One can spend his life trying to prove to boys, he's a man-- and to men, he's a boy.

*Have you noticed that 7-11 drinks keep getting bigger, and bigger. First, they had the "Big Gulp". Then, there was the "Super Big Gulp". Yesterday, I saw a kid walking down the hall who could barely carry her grotesquely huge cup with both hands. Next, they'll be strapping a metallic tank on their backs with a wraparound straw for 24-hour, continuous soda feeding.

*I was pretty disappointed that the Nobel prize again was awarded to some egghead for developing some obscure component of an atom-smasher. When are these people going to get real? What about the guy who invented free food at happy hours? Or the composer of the Jeopardy theme song?

*If you're just trying to be different, try putting your silverware in the 3rd drawer from the top.  And don't get a tattoo.

*Is it just me?  Every time I wear a sweater, no matter how ugly, all the women at work with feel obliged to tell me, "Nice sweater!"

*I tried to throw away my old trash can.  I put it out with the trash, but the trashmen keep giving it back to me.

*One great thing about getting old is that you still learn something new every day-- or at least you remember something that you've forgotten.

*Why don't prescription drugs have names that relate more to what they do?  For example, Viagra could be called "Extendsenor" or "Protrudinex".  "Hold on, honey, I'm just going to grab some Erectolytes!"

*I don't pretend to be young, I just forget that I'm old."

Water is life.  But plumbing is hell!

On Kids

*If I get just a grain of sand in my shoe, I have to stop remove my shoe and get that damn thing out of there. But everyday my 4-year-old comes home from the playground, oblivious to anything in his shoes, and I have to pour out several tons of sand from his tennies.

*I went to a kid's birthday party the other night, and was struck by the fact that by the time this three-year-old finished opening all of her presents, combined with her 50,000 other toys, she now owned more things than her parents do.

*At age 1½ , kids are still nearly helpless and don't seem to be able to do anything for themselves. Yet, they possess superhuman powers when shooting out an arm to knock over a glass of milk at the table.

*Now that I'm a parent of a teenager, I find myself hoping the driving age will be raised to 25.

*I'd always heard people worry about having kids because they'd "lose their freedom". Actually, what you lose is your sense of cleanliness-- to where if a hurricane tore off the back 40 feet of your house, you might not get around to looking at cleaning it up until next weekend.

Vacations

*I find William Least Heat Moon's notion of those two-lane, off-the-interstate roads to be greatly romanticized. Sure, you can see some things that you wouldn't normally. But the truth is, if you want to get someplace, you're always stuck behind a line trucks with no way around. And if you actually just want to dilly-dally and take in the local color, you'll be stressed out by some "native" cretin in a pickup who's riding your tail and is infuriated that you can't drive this unfamiliar, winding road as fast as the jerk, himself, who drives this road everyday and who, by the way, hasn't been out of the county in the past decade.

If I Were Elected King 

(ala, Fielding Melish in Woody Allen's "Bananas", who proclaimed "Underwear will be worn on the outside, so we can check.")

*Prices would no longer end in $_.95 or $_.99, or such.

*Sports teams would win big games without someone dousing the coach in Gatorade.

*You could eat a meal at a low end restaurant without being told to "Enjoy!".

*Ad agencies nor marketing people with no imagination could no longer simply fall back on stealing the milk ad and ask "Got ____?"

*Drinks could no longer be listed in bar menus without prices.

*If your sandwich comes with pickles, they can't be all bunched up in one glob.

*Instruction manuals should still be in different languages, but they can't be in the same booklet (even if upside down) so that I can throw away the ones I don't need.

*Any Hall Of Fame must use a published rubric or set of criteria for admittance to make this subjective judgement.

*Bye-bye, Electoral College, and 2-year terms for Reps.

Stuff I've Seen